Domestic Violence

When we think of abusive relationships, we often picture black eyes and broken bones. While abuse often escalates to physical violence, it may not start out that way. In fact, abusers are often charming, attentive, and sweet at the beginning of a relationship. An abuser will work to make you feel so appreciated and loved, you won't even notice they are controlling until it's too late. But, there are warning signs you can look out for, to help you spot an abusive relationship, before it goes too far.

1. They will romance you.  They will likely be the most romantic person you have ever met. They will pay attention to you and make you feel special and wanted. You may find yourself thinking that they are too good to be true -- because they are. They need you to trust them and develop feelings for them because it is much easier to control someone who loves you. They will make you feel like you are their entire world -- because they want your world to revolve around them. Of course, just being romantic is not necessarily a sign of abuse, but an abuser will often use these gifts and romance to distract you from other concerning behaviors, such as control and jealousy.
2. They will want to commit -- quickly. They will say that it's love at first sight, that you are made for each other, and that they can't imagine their life without you. They will sweep you off your feet, and tell you they have never loved anyone this much. They will insist on being exclusive right away, and will likely want to move in together, or even get married, very quickly. They need you to love them and to belong to them. You may feel like the relationship is moving too quickly -- trust your instincts.
3. They will want you all to themselves. They will glare at others for looking at you and question you about your friends. You may think this jealousy is cute, or even loving -- at first. But soon, they will make you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family. They will call or text you several times a day and may accuse you of flirting or cheating. They will say he loves you so much, they can't stand the thought of anyone else being near you. And soon, no one else will be. This is the beginning of isolation.
4. They will be very concerned about you. They may get upset if you don't call them back right away or if you come home late. They will say it's because they worry about you. They will start to question who you saw, where you went, and what you were doing. They will mask their control as concern for your well-being. They will start to make decisions for you -- who you spend time with and where you go -- and claim to know what's best for you. Soon, you'll be asking their approval for every decision. Your control over your own life will slip away, as their power and control grow.
5. They will be sweet and caring -- sometimes. They will be the sweet, loving person who everyone else sees, and who you fell in love with. But, sometimes, they will become the person who puts you down, makes you feel guilty, and isolates you. They will make you believe that if you just did something differently, loved them more, or treated them better, they would be that sweet, loving man all the time. You will stay because of your hope for the person you love but will spend most of your time being controlled by the person who hurts you. Eventually, you won't be able to tell the difference.
6. They will play the victim. If they get into trouble at work, it's someone else's fault. If they have a bad day, someone is out to get them. And if they are upset, will blame you for their feelings and actions. They will expect you to make them happy and fulfilled -- and when they are not, they will blame you. They might apologize for yelling, putting you down, or hurting you, but will always find a way to make it your fault. They will say things like, "It's just that I love you so much," or "I wish you didn't make me so crazy." Eventually, they will blame you for making him hit you.

If these warning signs are happening in your relationship, even if your partner has not hit you (yet), this is abuse. Control, jealousy, and isolation are not love. Abusive behavior will not change -- no matter how hard you try or how much you love them. This individual may seem like your dream come true, but soon, they will become your worst nightmare.

You deserve better. You deserve to be safe and respected. And you deserve real love, not control. If you or someone you know is being abused, you do not have to face it alone. Advocates are available to help, anytime, at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Please make the call, and take the first step toward freedom and safety today. You're worth it.